Because I probably don't say it enough, but I don't want you to get a big head about it...

I sit in the living room filled with both our things as I read about the you that exists before I knew you. It's dark and raining so loud I can hear the drops hit the earth of the yard you tend to, while I bake or clean or pretend to be busy so that I don't have to help. As I finger the pages filled with your words and pictures of a younger version of you, with more hair on your head and less on your face, I am filled with pride. I am proud of myself for nabbing you, but moreso of the man you are and of the life we have built together.

Normally, I would shirk at such items. I tend toward indifference of your accomplishments before me, not because I am not happy they exist, but because they remind me that you did, in fact, exist before me. I wonder if you were the kind of man I would have been proud of. The pessimist in me usually says no, because I know I was not always the kind of girl you would have been proud to call yours. I have made poor decisions, maybe a few times, and been awful to people who love me. There was a point in my life when I didn't care who I hurt. I assumed people would stay near me no matter what. Most didn't. When I look back at some things I have said and done, I question the integrity of those who did, but I am grateful to them for doing so.

But you, it seems, have always had a better head on your shoulders. Now, I am sure you have made a mistake or two, but unless you are an impeccable PR genius, or paid off anyone who ever wrote about you, you have always been a decent human. Suddenly, that realization snaps me back to a day while we were first dating:

We had taken the dogs on a hike to a nearby waterfall. I still remember walking behind you in the early fall, while the daytime was still warm. I followed you, and stared at your tight little bum, as I listened to the sound of your voice drowned out by the hiss of the wind through dry leaves in the trees and the crunch of the ones under my feet. After my move to the mainland, my life was bursting with possibilities and my future seemed limitless. Through my excitement I was scared and unsure. Being that you were one of the few people I knew at this point, I used the opportunity to test your character and asked for your advice. Your response was unexpected and refreshing. Despite an obvious bias, you offered me the kind of objective advice I needed. You left yourself out of it, and thought only of what would create the best kind of experience for me. I was in awe of your maturity and level-headedness.

Once we got home, which was actually your house in which I basically stole from you after the first day we met, you offered me something even more unexpected; you offered me your support. Not monetary, but the kind one really, truly needs from a partner. Despite your own obvious opportunities, you offered to put certain things aside to allow us the time and place to form a single life from two which had been separate until then. Your whole life had been spent in the spotlight, and yet, you were so quick to relinquish it to help me achieve this goal. It was at that moment that I fell in love with you.

Since that time, many things have changed. The aforementioned goal is now a memory, gone the way of many of the things I have 'wanted to do' in my lifetime. Despite this disappointment, many good things have occurred.

We built a life and a home in a new place where we both feel at peace.

We have added to our 'family'.

We have organized and downsized our belongings, and yet still manage to have way too much 'stuff'. The one thing that hasn't changed, though, is that feeling I get, not at every moment of every day, but sometimes. When I least expect it, I find a new way to fall in love with you.

I love you more than Christmas.

The Two Year Itch…Scratch, Scratch.

At the end of August, 2014, I shared a big anniversary. Not with a person, not with a job, but with a place. I moved to the mainland at the end of a beautiful summer. It was filled with late nights, sober dancing, long walks along the ocean at night, and some travel back to my homeland (Onterrible) to see family, some old friends, and meet new family. It was a great time.

I originally moved away to find a better future, and two years later I have found it. I met a wonderful man, and we built a home together in a town neither of us imagined we would end up. While it may not be the last place we call home, it is a wonderful first step to leading a mountain life. I adopted two dogs who fill my heart daily with unconditional love, and my arms with snuggles (and dog hair). I found a career in an industry that is trying and unreliable, but that I truly love being a part of. Life is good.

It goes without saying that there are some things I miss about my little island town. Having my best friend down the street, a team of amazing women to call on and progress with each year, knowing where to buy all the weird foods I eat, and where I can find free parking anytime. The sense of community isn't the same here, yet, but I figure I have eight more years to build toward that.

As the time rolls on at warp speed without my knowledge of its passing, I catch only glimpses of it. Perhaps my age has something to do with it now, or perhaps my life is fuller. Days are more filled with chores than ever, and sometimes there aren't enough hours to accomplish them. I do know, though, that while things are hectic, they are positive. I have moments that I want to build a hover car to avoid the notorious Vancouver traffic, and others when I wish I could build a bubble around my house with only myself and my family within to force us to slow down. Even now, I seem to want what I don't have; speed or stillness.

My life has changed beyond recognition. People and things that used to be important no longer please me, and sometimes I am bothered by my own indifference, but I am happy to be so. A life filled with things which don't bring you pleasure is without value.

FREE

It is the most feared and sought after of things--freedom. Those who have it long for ties and those who live without it's embrace sacrifice to touch it. Though it is intangible, it is well felt. The weight of it can be both heavy and light as air. Freedom. I have just recently found this thing, for all my searching. It is an elusive beast. Freedom, though, is not the same for any two people. For me, this freedom was from myself.

I competed in fitness for some years. This lifestyle is rigid and exact; it is a world of planning and managing the spontaneous, by scheduling it. Though I never saw my proficiency here, I became a master dieter. For literally years, I lived on 1500 calories a day. I trained anywhere from 4-7 days a week, usually for at least an hour. My goal was to bring my 5'9 frame to around 130lbs. Yes, really, 130lbs (just so you know, Heidi Klum weighs 137lbs…Tyra Banks: 141). For a while I sat around 15 per cent body fat and life was good, until it became harder. My body got to a place where my now 1500 calorie "cutting" diet was required to maintain weight. I also struggled independently with carb intolerance and fat intolerance, as my digestion was so poor I wasn't able to use any of the good stuff I was eating. I began taking stomach acid (betaine hcl) to aid this. It was a solution, but not for the long term.

In 2013, I found some amazing people. Lori Mork of Team Energy, and Layne Norton. I would sit and watch Layne's podcasts for hours on end. He talked about fixing the metabolism through reverse dieting, and getting back to a healthy state which was sustainable and flexible. Imagine, life like back in the day before you knew what a macro was when you ate peanut butter on toast and a glass of milk and looked like Adonis. Wouldn't it be nice to have that metabolism back? Lori put this into motion for me with her diet advice. The first month I worked with her was a "building" or "bulking" phase. I was terrified about bulking in the summer, but I trusted it. The first training plan I received from her was via email. Under the "diet" section was "eat food!". No, 4 ounces of boiled chicken and 5 asparagus spears…just work hard and eat stuff. Seems simple enough. Admittedly though, it wasn't.

I still tracked my meals online and obsessed over the amount of carbs I was eating. My life was hectic between work, training, and lacrosse and it took me to a breaking point where I just couldn't anymore. I fell back into old habits of overworking and under-eating, hoping that the old methodologies that had worked in the past would magically start to work again, despite the utter exhaustion of every cell of my being. It was a cycle, until a little over a week ago.

I have prescribed to a Paleo diet for 4-5 years now. As the time has passed, I have wavered between various styles of this plan: primal (dairy allowed), perfect health (rice allowed), keto (very low-carb), and "bacon". Along with this ideology of eating, I generally abstain from alcohol etc. Mainly because I dislike hangovers and vomit, and also because it's a lot of empty calories and it's not good for testosterone levels, immunity, life in general. Not to worry, though, I can sober-dance like a champ. While this diet is ideal (seriously, read some books), it can become restrictive and "cult" like. Not that paleo dieters are a cult, but when you're constantly worrying about if you "can" eat something on a restaurant menu, it seems a bit elitist.

So, last week I decided to set myself free. I unfollowed nearly all fitness oriented Instagram accounts, unless I sincerely liked the message that person or company conveyed. I stopped tracking my meals and macros (including IIFYM), and worrying about macros. I let my body decide what it wanted to eat. Last weekend, I ate risotto, and guess what, fucking delicious. Am I planning to rice it up every day from here on in? No. I also drank wine, three times! That is more wine than I ingested in the whole of 2013. I did a bike ride last June during which I bought 5 bottles of wine. I gave away 2 bottles, and still had two, just sitting in my house. What the hell?! Finally, I eased up on my training. I started spending 30-45 mins MAX in the gym. I stopped doing cardio and started living outside with my boyfriend and dogs. Disc golf, tough mudder, random adventuring? Sure, count me in!

What have the results of this freedom been? Nothing but fantastic. I feel great. My digestion has improved immensely (probably because I'm not so stressed out all the time), my body is responding WAY better to the training, I sleep soundly, I am super strong (for real…try me), and my native skin is back to its bronze glory. Not to mention, I had a mega fun week with friends and family which didn't have to fit in amongst my training schedule and meal timing. To top it off, I went a week without checking my emails or watching TV, and guess what? It was the best week I have had all year.

So, I give this gift to you, fellow fitness enthusiasts and athletes: when a healthy lifestyle becomes a burden on your life, it is no longer healthy. I'm not saying "fuck it, let's all go to Dairy Queen, cause it's easier than doing squats and eating chicken," I'm saying, if you don't live a balanced life, it's not a life worth living. Don't sacrifice happiness for aesthetics, because in the end, being unhappy will only hinder you.

Word.

Being "Celiac"...

Please take a moment to read this excerpt from an article I found today about servers in restaurants complaining that people with food preferences are making their jobs too difficult.

A server will never say this to your face but we all know your gluten allergy is fake. You are not allergic to gluten. You are just on a gluten-free diet and want attention. There are plenty of people who are truly allergic to gluten, or sensitive, or intolerant, and you are not one of them. We can tell. You’re on nothing more than a high-powered Atkins diet, and while it’s great that you’re feeling healthier, it’s not great that you blame the discrepancy between your previous and current state of health on a fictional allergy. Feel free to adopt a gluten free diet, but don’t throw the word ‘allergy’ around like you have a medical problem.
Especially in a restaurant, the word ‘allergy’ means that the whole restaurant is going to need to do extra work and take special care to keep you safe, healthy, and happy. If your ‘allergy’ is really just a diet with no medical basis, you are being a selfish ass. The world does not revolve around you, the restaurant does not revolve around you, and we all know your allergy is fake.
Your gluten allergy is fake because you discuss it at parties. Your gluten allergy is fake because it ‘comes and goes.’ Your gluten allergy is fake because you will eat at an Italian restaurant but walk away fine because you ordered the gluten free pasta. Your gluten allergy is fake because after reminding your server ten times that you’re highly allergic, you complain to a manager that you were never brought a basket of bread.
If you’re sure your gluten allergy is real because you cut out gluten and suddenly felt better, congratulations, you’re on a diet. However, a change in health doesn’t mean there was an allergy involved. It’s fine to cut television from your life, just like it’s fine to cut gluten from your diet, but it’s very important to know where ‘lifestyle change’ ends and ‘medical condition’ begins.
There’s nothing fun or trendy about having a medical condition that severely limits your diet. While people with real gluten-related conditions exist, they number perhaps one in a hundred people, yet up to one in ten will claim to have the condition to some extent.
People with true gluten allergies or Celiac disease don’t go to an Italian restaurant and order the fettuccine alfredo with gluten free pasta, because those with real allergies can’t take such a risk of cross-contamination. Every knife, every plate, every surface their food comes in contact with will need to be sanitized, and in a gluten-heavy environment, it’s impossible to guarantee such sterilization on a moment’s notice. It would take an hour to make a single burger if that were so, and there would have to be ten dishwashers working around the clock just to keep up.
You’ll never see someone with a severe peanut allergy in a Thai restaurant. It’s not worth the risk. Those with severe peanut allergies take care to personally steer clear of risky situations.
Feel free to order a burger without a bun, or replace the garlic bread with a cup of soup, but remember that if you’re not in a gluten free restaurant, gluten-related requests shouldn’t compromise every ingredient of a dish to the point of being utterly unrecognizable. If you want something that isn’t on the menu, eat somewhere else.
Having an allergy means that you must constantly guard yourself, all day every day, and one slip-up might cause discomfort, severe pain, or hospitalization. In the case of a genuine allergy, most kitchens are willing to work very hard to ensure your safety. Wasting that much time and effort of an entire restaurant’s staff might seem unthinkable, but some customers think nothing of it as they announce their allergy to their server within the first thirty seconds of being seated.

Sorry to say, this is f#$&ing bullshit. Sure, I'm not going to Pagliaccis and ordering their GF pasta, but who the eff are you to judge if someone has an allergy or not? You work in the service industry, and guess what, people with food allergies have to live a normal, social life as well. How many gluten free restaurants do you know of in your town?

Trust me, people who simply choose not to eat wheat can rub me the wrong way sometimes too. Do you have any idea how amazing it would be to go out to eat without fear that I will pay for it for the next week because someone wasn't careful enough not to use the same knife or surface or space on the grill? While I envy people who don't eat gluten as a choice, I am happy they have made that decision. Why? Because their choice has increased awareness insurmountably for those of us who do have a legitimate allergy. When I was first diagnosed, I couldn't eat out period. I said the word "gluten" or "celiac" and was greeted with a stare of ignorance. It was never safe. Now, most places have gluten free-friendly items on the menu and most staff are somewhat aware of the precautions that are required in preparing a "safe" meal.

People with Celiac disease DO discuss it openly and mention it immediately to their servers. WHY? Because if I keep my allergy a secret, how will you know that I have it? Is there some secret Celiac tattoo on my forehead only seen to regular people? Can I come back into the kitchen and prepare my own meal? No? Then get off your high horse and allow me to express my allergy openly to you so that you know its serious.

In conclusion, please, don't assume that you can judge a person's ailments by looking at them or dissecting their conversation matter. If someone tells you they have a peanut allergy, would you EVER take that anything less than seriously? Why risk making someone else sick because you don't want to be inconvenienced by the extra work? No, I won't come to your pasta bar with a gluten allergy, but understand the pressures we, as people with this invisible disease, are under in trying to live a normal life without "being difficult". We aren't trying to make your life harder. In fact, we are normally quite embarrassed about our issues and we truly feel bad that we have to make things harder, so cut us some slack and please, be careful with our food.

Finally, where does this girl work? I would like to never go there.

Goals, Tracking, Details.

Progress is a funny thing. Finding balance between reaching a goal and living a whole life can be quite tricky. If you're an A-type like me, you tend toward an "all or nothing" idealism, which can create unhealthy lifestyle choices (not so much physically, but mentally).

On one hand, tracking progress is necessary to reach goals. If you don't know how far you've come, how will you know when to stop reaching? There are many great tools with which to track and measure progress. Let's talk about those.

1) Measuring (duh). I don't tend to weigh food. It's a lot of effort, creates more dishes than I care to wash, and I'm not competing, so really, it's not THAT big of a deal if six ounces of chicken is really closer to seven. I'm talking about the use of a measuring tape to track body size. I do this weekly, and while it is a great tool, keep in mind one thing: if your body composition is changing (i.e. you're building muscle, but don't need to change your size) this might not change as much as you think. My weight and measurement can remain pretty much the same, but all of a sudden a six pack stands where only 4 were the previous week.

2) Weight. Ah…I love to hate this. We put SO much emphasis on how much we weigh it's crazy. I know fitness models who are "obese" according to their height:weight ratio. Weight is so dependent on height, body composition, even frame size and (ahem) time of the month. Sodium, supplements, stress can all create fluctuations. Final word: it's ok to keep an eye on it, but don't weigh yourself daily and beat yourself up if you climb a few pounds from day to day.

3) Calipers. These are an old friend of mine which I recently rediscovered while unpacking an old box of school supplies. Calipers are a good way to gauge your body fat (get a book to learn how to read them, or look it up online). They're not 100 per cent accurate, and there is room for human error here, but if you want to see where you're starting and track weekly or monthly, I like this method. It's free, once you buy the calipers, and you can do it discretely in your own home.

4) Food Diaries. I use a website called "fit day" to track my macros daily. That way, I can go back and see what worked for me, and what didn't. It also allows me to keep track of my macros to make sure I am getting sufficient protein, fats, and carbs to fuel my day. This is also a good tool if you have food allergies or a medical condition. It's been paramount in alleviating my egg sensitivity and nearly ridding me of migraine triggers.

5) Clothes. Seriously, these are the best tracking device you can get, and guess what? You already own them! I'm not a fan of buying clothes too small, with the hopes you might one day strut your stuff with pride of victory. What I'm talking about is that favourite pair of shorts that are a bit snug today, or those old jeans that always make your butt look great. How your clothes fit is truly the best way to tell if you're progressing or not. My weight can stay the same, but if all of a sudden there is some slack in my tights where they previously cut in, I know I am on the right track.

So what's the bottom line? Use all these tools, or none of them. That's the point! Whatever plan works for you, is the one you're meant to use. Balance is key! Don't make yourself miserable or turn into a hermit/control freak over food and training. I went to a restaurant in Whistler last weekend with friends after I had already eaten my days' worth of calories and macros. Guess what I did? Ate bison, bacon, sweet potatoes and the most delicious chocolate dessert without fear or regret, and woke up leaner than the day before? A ticket to gorge? No, but living life a little only makes the effort you put in the other 9/10ths of the time that much sweeter.

I might have a magazine cover shoot coming up soon, what will I change? Nothing. My current plan is working in a healthy, sustainable way, and that plan is what I am going to stick to.

Until next time!

Baby got BACK!

Since I was a kid, I was never interested in being super skinny. I was raised into a family of athletes, where pride was given to muscle over bone. I was "blessed" with height as well. At 5'9, I tower over my two sisters, and (to his dismay) create a shadow atop my big brother's head as well. A larger frame is beneficial in many sports. I am physiologically best suited for swimming, but it has benefits to skiing, lacrosse, and volleyball as well. The only downside? I grew quickly, and was more than a little awkward and uncoordinated for a few years. That's all over now, though…right?

As a fitness competitor, my tall frame was a hindrance. I struggled to put on muscle, when my shorter adversaries packed it on like magic. Creating definition in lanky arms took years of work, and was easy to lose during the summer months when my sports meant a lot of cardio. BUT, I was always able to build and maintain two areas of my body with ease:

My legs are relatively short, in comparison to my height, and an active childhood meant muscle maturity. The only issue I have had is quad dominance, brought on by many years of ski racing. I still work with creating more shape in my hamstrings and gluteus to balance me out. Hence, 500 squats a day…bodyweight, because adding weight to my leg exercises has always meant quick growth for me.

My back is probably one of the strongest parts of my body. I can row almost double my bodyweight. Despite the constant knots between my shoulder blades and on my traps (I have horrible posture when sitting down), my back has always looked impressive. I train back once a week, usually. I super-set two upper back exercises with one lower back exercise (deadlifts, good mornings, hyperextensions) and throw 100 squats in between supersets to keep my heart rate up.

Below, you will see a few pictures. The top is my back before my first bikini competition. I weighed 132lbs, had just started dropping my water, and had my first spray tan.

This next photo is a month ago,  after a small stint with veganism, and heavy drop-set training with no cardio. This was also before the 500 squat days.

Finally, my back today. With the above mentioned training regimen, IIFYM eating (still paleo and gluten free for the most part). 

What do you see? Other than a filter. I see a leaner mid-back, with a deeper cut, a wider lat, and a slightly better back spread. (I suck at back posing…)

In other news! This week's measurements:
Weight: 157
Waist: 27
Hips: 38.5
Thigh: 19.5

Down just a bit, but down. Progress takes time, people. There are plenty of ways to drop weight quickly, but those ways leave you worn out and worse off in the long run. This last week and a bit was SUPER hectic. I was working on the last episode of a TV show, and it meant I was rarely home before 2 a.m., and that five hours of sleep was the norm. Thanks to EON Therapeutics Adrenal complex and B Elite for both keeping me awake when coffee wouldn't do the trick, and preventing me from burning out.

Want to know more about EON? Check them out BY CLICKING HERE

Until next time.

500 squats at 5am?

Check. Actually, I got home around 2 a.m., but five and five sounded better. It's been a busy week, but I got it in yesterday, after a "speed-racer" shoulder and bicep workout in the morning. Today is a "off" day from the gym, but don't think my 500 squats will slip! I already have 200 in the bag.

I received a snap chat from one of my best friends while at work; let me paint you a picture.

ME: sitting in an empty office before going to set. Bored, tired, lonely, tired; I check my phone.

SNAPCHAT: Opens on a beautiful rocky beach, rays of sunshine, the sound of waves crashing. A silhouette appears…then starts doing squats!

ME: obviously jealous of the beach and warmth, I stand from my roll-chair, and finish off my last 100 for the day. Thanks for the motivation, love!

I promised you measurements in the last post. Here they are!

Weight:157

Waist: 27

Hips: 38.5

Thighs: 20.5

Yeah, no changes. BUT, as I left work at 12:30 a.m. last night, I was surprised with a "looking lean, Wu-tang." These compliments are always welcome, and help you realize you're on the right track.

 I hope this inspires you a little today, and if you don't think you can do 500 a day, remember, thats 50 an hour for 10 hours of the day. Do them when you go to the washroom (for girls, that is about 10 times a day), or to kill some time while you're waiting in a truck at camp (Kyle), or to wake yourself up when you hit the three o'clock slump.

IN OTHER NEWS: I got my car stock for EON Theraputics today. They are a great, new, local company with products built for national level athletes to help aid performance without any fillers or gimmicks. They're simple, quality products that help weekend warriors and Olympians alike train, recover, and grow (or shrink) as desired. I plan to get this product into a few sets, and some stores here locally in Whistler and Squamish, so let me know if you're interested in giving any of the above products a try.

Until next time.

Hello and Welcome!

Thank you for visiting my page. Through this website, I hope to share with you my journey as I Guinea pig myself in a quest for functional strength and endurance.

Perhaps I should start with a little background. I am an athlete and actor in the Vancouver area. I prescribe to a primal/paleo type of living which includes a high protein, moderate fat and carb diet which excludes grains, dairy (allergy), and legumes, except during intermittent "treat" meals, which usually revolve around family holidays (but sometimes, just when I feel like it).

So let's get down to the nitty gritty!

What am I doing? 500 body weight squats per day, with alternating days of weight training. Squats will serve as cardio during the weight training days. I will be doing NO other leg training.

Why am I doing this? For fun. To see what my body likes and can handle. I come from a fitness model past, so I have ALWAYS trained with weights. Overtraining becomes an issue, but as a woman, I fight the pear body shape. As these exercises are body weight and can be done all at once or throughout the day, they serve as a way to strengthen my body without risk of injury (as much risk…you risk injury when you get out of bed everyday).

What will be measured? Bodyweight will be tracked weekly, as will hip and thigh measurements. IF on any day I am unusually sore, that will be noted. Also, once weekly I will "test" endurance to see how many consecutive squats can be done. I foresee endurance being my most noticeable change.

What is the template? I perform 500 squat variations per day, no rest days. I have become accustomed to a 100 rep circuit, which includes sumo squats, lunges, skater squats, split squats and straight squats. I can change the order or type of squats at any time to keep interested and hit muscles differently. Squats may be performed at any interval or speed, with any amount of rest in between (but let me tell you, if you can get them all in, in 15 minutes, you're sweating like a pig).

Where did I start? Here are my day 1 measurements etc (from a week ago…new measurements tomorrow WEDNESDAYS).

Height: 5'9
Weight: 158.5lbs
Waist: 27
Hips: 38.5
Thigh: 20.5 (in the future, each leg will be measured independently).

Want to join? I have recruited two girlfriends already. If you want support, or just a fun challenge, find me on INSTAGRAM @leeleefit where I will post videos of the random places I find to do my squats. So far, the Winners change room, and the pier in my town.